The Boom, Part Three
April 26, 2002
When I first wrote my
rant on Pimpmobiles,
I just assumed that the kids who drove them were idiots.
Recently, though, a few Lil Pimp Wanna-Bes have signed my
guestbook and proved that to be fact. Here's an example...
zach - 4.23.2002
fuck you and your stupid opinion the reasont that we
do that to our cars is because we like it and the way that it looks you should
really keep your opinions to your self and we dont do
it for girls either we do it for ourselevs the girls
are just a bonus so you can kiss my ass i would love
to see your reply to this i bet that you think every
one agrees with you but so few do.
Naturally, I did what any
sane webmaster would do, and deleted this rubbish. It's just like graffiti, but
easier to clean up. If someone had spray-painted "fuck you" on the
side of my house, I certainly wouldn't leave it there, so why should I leave
this shit on my website? But, before I deleted it, I saved a copy to share with
my husband and friends. They get a chuckle out of morons like this. And, yes,
there is a sort of smug satisfaction knowing that they got so worked up, and
probably spend 10 to 15 minutes hunting and pecking on their keyboard to type
out shit like that, when it takes me three seconds to delete it.
Next day, what's on my
guestbook? Yep! Another entry from our friend Zach, who obviously doesn't know
the difference between a guestbook and a message board.
zach - 4.24.2002
what happen to ur reply i
want to know your shitty opinon to that i know that you would send a reply cause you probablly havent had some one say
that to you
*sigh*
Dear Zach,
Here's your reply. I
normally don't waste my time on insignificant morons like you, but ... what the
hell. It could be fun.
First off, I take it from
your messages that you think your cars look cool like that, even though
everyone is laughing at you behind your back. I happen to know a thing or two
about being cool. For instance, being truly cool means not giving a shit about
what other people think. As Joan Jett said, "I don't give a damn about my
bad reputation." (Joan Jett is before your time, kiddo. Don't sweat it.)
So, if you were cool, you
wouldn't care what I think about your goofy little cars. You'd just go about
your business. You certainly wouldn't give a shit that some nearly thirty year
old married woman, living in a small town, who you've never met, thinks you're
a dweeb. Who am I? I'm nobody. You'll never actually meet me. You'll never
actually talk to me, except maybe to ask if I want the Signature Service Oil
Change, or maybe to see if I'd prefer paper or plastic.
Secondly, if you're not
out to impress girls, are you out to impress boys? If that's the case, might I
suggest spending less time and money on your car, and more on things like
clothes from the International Male catalog, manicures, and tickets to see
Barbra Streisand in concert. Watch shows like Will and Grace for more pointers.
I'm really no expert on homosexuality, but I don't think they're big fans of
Slim Shady, despite his touching duet with Elton John.
Thirdly, make up your
goddamn mind. Do you want my opinion or not? First you tell me to keep my
opinions to myself, then you want to know what I think. I already told you what
I think in my original rant: I think anyone who drives around in a pimpmobile
is an asshole. What more is there to say? Did you expect a reply or didn't you?
Uhm... it's a guestbook, you little dillweed, not a message board. I do run a message board,
too, but you wouldn't enjoy it there. You'd try to flame me, and we'd verbally
bat you around like a cat playing with a mouse for a while, then ban you. I
don't run websites to converse with shitheads. It's
bad enough I have to listen to your crappy cars in real life.
And lastly, just how the
fuck is it that you can drive a car when you can't even manage to use a SHIFT
KEY on a keyboard?! Good god, I've seen first graders with better spelling,
typing, grammar and punctuation than you. Your last message is totally
incomprehensible. (Wait... I'll save you the trouble of looking that up. It
means "doesn't make sense.")
Well, that's about it.
Don't bother flaming my guestbook anymore. You'll only prove further what a
nincompoop you are, and only inspire me to write more rants like this. In
short, as they said in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (before your time again,
kiddo), "Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"
Your Loving Webmistress,
Lorina